Changing My Major Gave Me the Courage to Believe in Myself
Choosing a major defines your personality here where I live, and if it isn’t labeled to have a well-reputed degree, expect to be judged for it. A student’s choice of major is a collective, socially oriented decision rather than a personal one in Kurdistan-Iraq. Influence from society and family on students’ decisions makes them dependent and fearful of the judgment they’ll face. The challenge of choosing a major that lacks social approval is real here – and it takes real courage.
I didn’t always have that courage. My good high school grades made me eligible to study any major at AUIS, but I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to study. After multiple conversations with my family, I found out they really wanted me to go to engineering. I never knew whether I truly wanted to study it or not. Having chosen the scientific branch in highschool, however, made it a logical choice. My family was in high spirits when I made my choice, though it didn’t feel like much of a choice at all to me.
I went along with it. I almost felt like a blank slate in my classes, going in with an open mindset and taking in all the information. I had my family’s support and could see the joy in their eyes. They were always there to help me through any difficulties and inconveniences I faced.
After some time, the more classes I took, the more I started feeling like I was going downhill. I never went to my math and physics classes with a cheerful face. The distinct feeling came to me that I didn’t want these classes to be what I would deal with for the rest of my life. But at this point, I wasn’t going to give up. I pulled myself together, woke up with a smile, and continued to work on that open mind. I tried my best to find motives to continue with engineering. Most of all, I didn’t want to break it out to my family , since I knew they would be very disappointed in me. It’s not like they were very strict; they simply thought this path would be best.
Eventually, I started to open up to them during dinners and gatherings. I explained how uninterested and unmotivated I was. But I was always so afraid to tell them I was contemplating switching majors. I didn’t want them to think I just gave up.
Waking up every day to walk into classes felt difficult in itself. I barely touched my textbooks. Going to classes felt like my nerves were on fire. One day after class, I came home with dull, droopy eyes, and aches in my body. This was the day I knew I could not do this anymore. I opened the discussion with my family and finally broke the news to them during family dinner: I wanted to change my major. I could feel the burn on my face immediately. But I also felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. My parents’ jaws dropped. They were shocked.
My voice cracked as I explained the restless nights, the exhaustion, and the lack of interest I had. My parents finally responded by shouting: they do not “care” about my further decisions, and I was free to study anything. For a long time, I didn’t hear anything from them aside from silence and their frowning looks. They acted as if I didn’t exist. I cried every night, realizing I was losing all the support and courage they had offered me for so long.
After taking more classes, I learned more about myself. And I was able to find my true passion. I switched my major to International Studies. How I felt being an International Studies major compared to the engineering one was like the difference between day and night. I felt like I was walking on air, and my soul was finally at peace. I knew this was not what my family wanted me to study due to the prevailing cultural stereotypes that STEM is the only place to be. Every time I saw them, I averted my eyes and picked at my nails because, after a year and a half of studying, this is what I had to show for them: starting over with a new major. Still, I decided to go with my gut and continue with my newfound passion.
After I officially changed my major, I began to share the news with the people around me. To my surprise, the situation was the same. I heard judgments from people whom I considered very close to me: they kept asking why I changed my major with a carping tone in their voice. At the time, I was so dependent on my surroundings and on what others said or thought of me. The pressure was no longer on my family. In fact, my family even started to support me again, knowing what I was going through. But others asked rude questions and kept comparing my current major to engineering.
This brought back memories of how I felt before I changed my major. My stomach was twisted, and I couldn’t help but doubt if I had made the right choice. People would give me ignorant looks with their arms crossed and would say things such as “that was a huge mistake” or “you’re going to regret that.” My mental health took a dive, and I locked myself in my room for days, not talking to literally anyone.
One morning, I finally had enough: I sat down alone in my room and told myself that I am much better than those comments that were bumming me out. I screamed in my head that I do not have to depend on others’ thoughts, and especially on people who do not understand me. I reminded myself that this is MY life, and I would not let the judgments of random strangers decide my future. I felt full of energy, and for once, the judgments of others began to lose their sway.
Changing my major gave me the confidence to believe in myself. It gave me the courage to begin making my own decisions in life.
- Shanyan Nozad